One of the hardest parts of this miscarriage is the fact that it happened right after we moved. If this had happened when we were in Modesto, it would have been just as big a disappointment, but I would have been surrounded by people who love and support us. I have no doubt that my fridge would have been full of casseroles, my kitchen would be scrubbed, and my house would have been full of visitors. Mormons are great in a crisis.
Here in Oceanside, I don’t know anybody. I went to church one time, and then we had the scary appointment, so I didn’t go because I couldn’t stop crying long enough to even drive to the church let alone sit through three hours. Then we had the D & C, and I didn’t go because I was in pain and had complications and also, see above. Since then I haven’t been able to bring myself to go back there for two reasons. 1) We’re brand new and all people know about us is that I was pregnant, so those three hours of church would consist mainly of explaining what happened while I tried to make everyone else feel better about it. And 2) We told the bishop what was going on with us, and he has never called us, the Relief Society president hasn’t called, no one has made a single effort to check on us.
I know that the church isn’t a social club, and either you believe or you don’t and friends don’t have anything to do with it, but we’re moving in a month so I don’t feel too guilty about holding a grudge. If we were in this ward for good than I’d sack up and deal with the awkwardness, but we’re not. We’re not even looking for houses in this stake, so I’m pretty much just cutting my losses.
For the past couple of weeks we’ve been church hopping. We’ve been trying out different wards in the areas we’re house hunting to see if that makes a big difference for or against any of the houses we’re considering. We basically show up for sacrament meeting, feel the vibe of the room, see how the meetings are conducted and how the congregation tends to relate to each other, check out the demographic and whether or not it’s heavily skewed in one direction or another, judge people on sight and decide who stands the best chance of being our friends, and then we leave right after the meeting so we don’t have to explain ourselves to anyone. This might not be the most productive way to make friends.
Thank heavens for the internet and email. I actually haven’t been too terribly lonely despite all this because I just spend a gazillion hours a day online. I can’t imagine what shut-ins did before these technological advancements.
I’ve been thinking to myself that now that I have Polly the PT Cruiser, I have to take advantage of her and actually leave the house occasionally. But I don’t have a job to go to, I don’t have kids to occupy, and I don’t have friends to shop and lunch with, so I did what any crafter worth her salt would do. I went on a craft store pilgrimage.
Crafters are the best people on earth. We’re enthusiastic, passionate, and we will make friends with the wall if they show an interest in what we’re working on. I discovered I am surrounded by tons of fantastic craft stores. There are some really great scrapbooking stores here, and tons and tons of bead stores, and just a little way up the freeway is a stitching shop that is entirely great. I had a great time talking with the clerk who taught me how to use Q-Snaps which are like the Escalade of embroidery hoop systems.
There was a gorgeous yarn store that is the exactly perfect combination of yarn boutique and yarn warehouse. The yarn boutiques are the best to shop in until you get to the register, and the yarn warehouses are a nightmare to shop in until you get to the register. This one was the best parts of both. I also accidently found a super cool fabric store with amazing selection, discounts galore and the sweetest little ladies behind the counter who chatted me up about selling the purse I was carrying.
My very favorite find was a quilt shop just down the street from me. I’ve longingly gone into quilt stores many times in the past, fingered all the great fabric, taken their class calendar home and stuck it to the fridge. But every store I’ve been to in the past priced their classes way outside of my range. As in, they were never just doing them for free. Now I could actually afford to take a class and learn the right way to do things instead of the just the, “Ehh, this works well enough, I suppose” way of doing things.
The store was divided into three sections, the front display space, the middle where most of the fabric was, and the back which was all demo and workspace. I happened to have Bear with me when I went into the store, and he wandered into the back as I looked at fabric, but got nervous when he saw a bunch of people back there. He didn’t want to interrupt a class or just look like he might actually be shopping there himself and not dragged there against his will, so as soon as he walked into the room he tried to make a break for it. The little greeter lady teased him about being afraid to come in, so he teased right back about needing his better half as a security blanket because this stuff just scared him. He charmed the socks off all the little old ladies that worked in the store. The clerk started talking to me about the place and I mentioned that I’d just moved here, so she brought me back and introduced me to everyone. When they found out that I was new to the area and to quilting and that I belonged to this big hunky man they were all newly in love with, they descended upon me like loveable jackals, each more eager than the last to talk me into coming to their open work time.
This store hosts an all day Tuesday “sit n’ sew” for $5 where you bring your project and kibbitz and have access to amazing instructors. And then they do it again on Friday night and you just bring a potluck dish. All the women there were telling me how wonderful it is to live here in Oceanside, how wonderful quilting is, how it is an addiction that will take over your life, how I have to come have to come have to come, and I just sat back and thought, “I think I could be friends with these crazy ladies.”
Moving around as often as I have, I’ve often wondered how people make friends if they don’t belong to a church that provides all their socializing for them. After meeting the quilters and the yarn store clerks and the sweet sewing ladies, now I’ll just wonder how the non-crafters make friends.
You're not as alone in Oceanside as you think you are. I'm here 🙂 I've been posting in a couple of places (The Wagon) trying to reach out to you. My email is on my blog. Hugs.
(((Reese))) Like Terri said, there are other stitchers in San Diego who would love to get to know you and welcome you to the area! I knew about your miscarriage so I wanted to give you some time before bugging you to get together but whenever you're ready I'd love to meet up. In fact I'm hosting a get-together this Saturday since Dani (TKDChick) will be in town from Canada. We're going to Stitcher's Treasures in Escondido, lunch, and then back to my place in Rancho Bernardo to stitch and visit. I'm at the Wagon too (Jill in CA) and there's a thread in the GTG forum. I hope you can come and, if not, maybe we can get together at some other point when you're ready.
Thanks Reese! I will keep you posted if I decide to do Irvine…I usually turn down offers to go because, frankly, I don't see it going well! Sorry about the endo. My mom had it and I was still born if that helps.