Productivity in the Pandemic

I had a different topic for this post in mind, but when I looked up the date and realized we’re almost through May already, I needed to toss it out for a mini-existential breakdown. Whew. Time, eh?

I love hearing people talk about quarantine time because the validation is delicious. I am used to apologizing for my own sense of time, warped by so many years of housebound disability. I have to ask Atticus to tell me what the date is, and often even the day of the week. There’s just not a lot of use for a calendar in my days when I have to be as flexible as possible in case my body quits. I’m not ruled by business hours or weekdays, I’m ruled by, “How much work can I do before I cost myself twice the recovery time, and will that be true this time or will some new weird symptom pop up.” I’ve been healthy enough for long enough that that was starting to change, and then, boom. Pandemic.

It seems like every article on the internet is either Covid news, a thinkpiece on productivity, or a thinkpiece about thinkpieces on productivity. I am in the camp that thinks productivity is never a super healthy obsession, and it sure as hell isn’t right now. But I am also in the camp that has big ambition and an internal drive to create, so I am hungry for productivity advice. Somewhere along the way I learned that if I was going to get out of that mental hamster wheel that was so harmful to me, while holding on to my goals for myself, I was going to have to redefine “productivity”.

I don’t think productivity is about finishing things. Or having something to show for yourself. I think productivity is just about how you use your time. Using your time mindfully so that it is not idly wasted, but spent towards producing some kind of benefit.

Under that definition, having a 5 minute cry on the porch is more “productive” than another hour scrolling. You get a much bigger benefit from an emotional release than you do from an hour of distraction. A three hour nap is FAR more “productive” than three hours of ragged busywork. Ten minutes of cuddling a dog or a child is better than four hours of homework battles where everyone ends up in tears and no work is done.

I just feel like the Productivity Media Complex that sells us all these methods of doing more faster rarely treat us as human beings. Usually it’s just another tool of selling us capitalism. I read the books because I want to make the art of my dreams, but usually it just makes you into a better worker bee at the job you’re already unsatisfied by. These experts rarely teach about the importance of rest, and connection, and intimate relationships, and self-knowledge, which most of us have to learn the hard way by not having those things and suffering. Kind of like right now.

If you feel guilt or shame about your own productivity levels during this pandemic, try changing your definition so that it actually reflects your humanity. Hygiene is productive. Rest is productive. Connection is productive. Exercise is productive. Nourishing is productive. Education is productive.

And most of all, self-knowledge is productive.

I saw a few memes floating around saying, “If you can’t go out, go in.” and I’m jealous of the pithiness of that original writer. This was the big lesson for me in surgical recovery. If you can’t go out, go in. Go spelunking in your own consciousness. It is the most productive thing I’ve ever done.

This process gets real messy, so having time when you don’t have to be in public is ideal. Feel the feelings you’ve been avoiding while they’re right there on the surface for you thanks to covid fears. Time in solitude is usually extremely hard to come by in our world, and it is the thing that is the most necessary for this kind of deeply introspective work. It takes time to ponder without distractions, to let the new realizations settle into your body, to know your own voice well enough to hold true in the face of any influence. If you are safe and financially stable during this moment, you also have an opportunity.

I think this kind of work pairs very well with grief work, which none of us can avoid right now anyway. As you dig down there are layers of ourselves to grieve and make peace with. The person whose poor choices gave you consequences you’re still paying, or the self that you have lost along the way. It is hard hard work to make peace with your own self, but the most productive work you will ever do.

This is my advice for learning how to love yourself if you don’t:

You start by finding compassion.

You can start as young as you need to in order to find that compassion. Start as a teeny child. Start as a completely innocent baby. However far back you need to go. Go back far enough that you can’t help but acknowledge that version of you was vulnerable and needed nurturing. Whatever little self in you that you can find compassion for. Before the shame came along to infect what you think you are.

Think about that little person you used to be, and the environment they grew up in. Was it safe? Was it secure? The choices that little person made, did they make sense based on what they knew of the world?

Carry a picture of that little person and think about their experiences now that you are the grownup. Things you saw as normal as a child, as an adult you will find alarming. Things you have been shaming yourself over, you will understand is just part of being the age you were. You will find understanding.

Most of us, if we can view our child experiences as our adult selves, would find adorable moments of heroism. If we were our own parents, we’d be touched at our bravery. Moved by our problem solving. And that’s how you find the love. You bring the compassion to the understanding and it makes love. And you do that for yourself over and over again at every stage of your life, reevaluating things from your adult perspective. Compassion and understanding.

Along the way you will find ways you hurt others, and you will have to fix that in order to keep finding compassion. Compassion isn’t a blank check, it’s empathy that recognizes the position you were in. The second you cheat that, you’ll stall out in your progress. But by fixing the hurt you caused, you’ll discover a new source of pride. Instead of shitting on yourself for your actions, you’ll realize your actions are healing. And even the really hurtful mistakes become a little easier to love yourself through, because you have compassion for yourself due to your sincere efforts.

I still have a lot to share about my efforts as a performer, but the biggest boldest lesson I’ve learned is that no education matters if your emotional state won’t let you apply it. Working on improving your emotional state will make whatever productivity tools you try, actually produce.

Related posts:

There Never Was a Normal We Can Do It The Social Model of Adversity