I sent a message to one friend, and then started writing an email to another friend, and then thought of other friends I wanted to include, and then finally I just gave myself a talking to. Tresa. Tree. Be Brave. Just put it on the blog for anyone who could use it.
I have so much I want to share about the development I’ve been doing. When I came back to the blog it was with the hopes of launching into my second act, triumphantly shaking off old stories that never fit and stepping into the person I was always meant to be: An artist. That process has been so so hard and I am learning so much I am stretching into entirely new parts of myself. I want to explain what I’m learning and how I got here and what I believe now, about art and about myself.
But, of course, 2020. And like all of you, I’m up to my neck fighting with school districts and how bizarre and rigorous daily life is. All my big ambitious perfectionistic goals are laughing and laughing at me. This is not a time for perfectionism. This is a time for good enough.
So for today I’ll just say this: Through this process I’m learning what kind of artist I am. What I believe, what I have to share, what unique skills and features about me I can showcase – You know, Dolly Parton style “Find out who you are and do it on purpose” stuff. What I’ve learned is that one of my special strengths as a singer is conveying intense emotion. I’ve learned that through my trauma healing background and my connected spirituality, I happen to be uniquely suited to sing in a way that makes people feel their feelings. And I believe learning to process our feelings in a healthy way is CRUCIAL to public health.
We live in a society that forces us to repress our feelings. We’re allowed to vent if we’re angry, but never anything else. Surely not sad, or hurt, or scared, or grieving. No crying at work. No crying in baseball. We tell our kids all the time, “Stop crying, you’re fine,” teaching them to suppress emotions for the convenience of the people around them. Humans co-regulate our emotions. If the people around you tell you not to have them. You don’t have them. Publicly. Instead you shove them down inside until you can’t shove them down anymore and the pressure builds until you blow. You get sick and your body falls apart. Or else you rage and lash out at the people around you. Or you numb yourself until you’re just a fleshpod LARPing a life instead of living one.
I think having emotional fallaparts are like controlled burns. You could wait for lightening to strike and then the out of control wildfire has you screaming at your whole family and weeping in the bathroom and second guessing all your life choices, or you can be proactive and put on Adele and have yourself a little cry. ALL of our feelings need to be vented, not just the angry one.
These are just scratch tracks I recorded in a hotel shower, I never intended to release them publicly. I’m singing unrehearsed acapella off the top of my head, and all I can hear are the changes I want to make. But we have to survive this week so it’s past time for me to be precious about my perfectionism.
Give yourself 10 minutes. In a closet, a backyard, a bathroom. Somewhere where you don’t have to manage anybody’s feelings but your own. Listen to the music I’m linking or anything else that gets right to your heart, and just have yourself a cry.
Another day I’ll write about the science behind this, but there is science behind this (Burnout by Emily and Amelia Nagoski is good for this). It’s a way of completing the stress cycle, getting out those stress chemicals, and PROCESSING the stress instead of just FEELING it.
Stay is for when you are overcome with grief and worry and praying for some kind of good outcome.
The One Who Knows is for when you are overwhelmed at the needs of your children and your ability to meet them. It’s a reminder of what your ACTUAL job is.
Landslide is for when you are feeling afraid of change.
This week is going to be miserable. Now is the time to abandon everything that can be abandoned and batten down your emotional hatches. Be proactive about taking care of yourself. Take your meds, drink your water, exercise if you can, meditate, sing, dance, hug your body and thank it for working so hard to cope. And go hide in the garage and have yourself a 10 minute cry.
Good job Tresa. Way to be brave!
I don’t usually comment but I wanted to say your singing is lovely, and thank you for sharing. It’s a hard week and it helped to have something of beauty in it.